Friday, 2 September 2011

Unravelling contd.

Thanks all for your supportive comments. It really helped to blog it out. My fears about the psychiatrist not understanding were completely unfounded. He, also, was very respectful. It was such a relief to find out I wasn't going mad. My CFS, the trauma, plus the SSRI and mood stabilisers I take have all conspired to give me quite a strong reaction to the anaesthetic and I can expect another two or three weeks of this. However, I feel so much better now I've got a handle on what's going on.

He also said I was doing too much and, on the bus on the way home, I made a decision to give up my main volunteering job as secretary of a local community group which looks after a bit of green space. The meeting was last night and I was so upset to let it go. I'll still be doing things with them, but not with that huge responsibility. It reminds me of when I had to let go of full time work which was so much a part of my identity. However, these things aren't us. I am not my work, I am not an arbitary title.

So a pivotal day yesterday. Today I'm exhausted, of course, with all the usual tinnitus and extra-gravity feeling. Time to rest, rest, rest  . . .












Thursday, 1 September 2011

Unravelling

Haven't blogged in a while and that's because I've been a bit better. When I'm feeling better I do more and am away from the computer more. It's been a long haul crawling out of last Winter's depressive episode and I don't think I'm out of the woods yet. Today I feel like I'm unravelling again.

Last week I had a small operation to remove an anal polyp. It required a general anaesthetic because the area is so sensitive and there's no way they could apply a local while you were awake. So that was going to be challenging enough with the CFS/ME issues. With my history of sexual abuse, my doctor and I recognised this would also be a potentially triggering event so she included the information in my referral letter, for which I'm extremely grateful. Mostly I was handled with respect, given information in advance, and people asked my permission before they proceeded - no more or less than you'd expect actually. They gave me a side ward which was much quieter and made sure that I did not regain consciousness in pain. I remained calm throughout and there was no repeat of the up and down blood pressure issues I'd had for my last GA three years ago.

It's just I haven't been able to rally all week. It's a combination of things I suppose. I feel like my head is full of cotton wool and I'm permanently exhausted. The wound has given very little trouble, but the slight soreness is all too familiar and has been giving me uncomfortable body memories all week. I've been angry, unreasonable and just like the proverbial cat on the hot tin roof. I feel lost, abandoned and frightened.

It's a lonely place. Coincidentally I have a follow up appointment with the psychiatrist today. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to explain to him how I feel, or if he will fully understand what's going on. The big challenge is having to get the bus there and back. And tonight there's a meeting of the community group I belong to and I'm taking the minutes. Really don't feel like it.